On that note, an update on recent cricketing events. After six completed Rounds the Reds 1st XI (B grade) team is currently languishing on one win. This despite having opportunities for at least two more victories. Round Four's clash of the cellar dwellers, vs. Monash, was heading down to the wire before rain cruelly intervened. Chasing 172, Monash was 5/125 when the heavens opened, leading club optimist Alec Kahn to ponder what might have been. In Round Five the Reds bowled first and restricted Burnley to a gettable 144. But in scenes sadly reminiscent of just about every Reds match in the last four seasons, we collapsed from 1/45 to be all out for 106.

 

This appalling performance prompted Kahn to take aim at the club's batsmen, in an angry RSO missive that read like the Hitler parody video in written form. Kahn offered the earth-shattering revelation that some Reds batsmen are lacking application; they display the same affinity for grandiose lofted drives as Ricky Nixon displays for morally questionable female company ... and with similar outcomes. Kahn also criticised some of his teammates for their lack of punctuality, possibly because he had spent an hour on his pre-game speech and there were only seven present to hear it. Kahn of course raised many good points, however as always at the Reds, one is either preaching to the converted or speaking Swahili to the deaf. 

 

D grade has unfortunately fared no better in recent weeks. The Second XI's best chance of a win came in Round Ten, when they knocked up 200 against Gunbower (Molly Meldrum 73) and had the Gunners 2/16. Captain Thomas must've been sniffing victory and wondering if he could track down some fireworks to set off over Herring. But Thomas is a Collingwood supporter, remember, and we know what fate does to them. Gunbower wheeled out some flailing, threshing axeman - the kind who plays one or two games a year, usually at Herring - and after 28 overs it was all over Sally. Thomas must've been a broken man. After one of the few occasions his team has passed 200, not even the mad vegan, the Vietnamese seamer, the Sri Lankan whirlwind and the keenest-man-in-cricket could defend it.

 

The last round before Christmas will see the First XI take on Parkville at Straw, while the Seconds host Barnies at Herring in a match that will challenge both common sense and sobriety. Hopefully that fat mythical figure with a fetish for red pyjamas delivers us a seasonal victory, so that Comrades Alec and Rhidian can fret a little less over the break.