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Nightowls turn out for Reds AGM  "Bed" was nothing but a fanciful dream for the twenty or so brave souls who turned out for the 29th Reds' Annual General Meeting on May 29th. Confronted with more motions than the Spotswood Pumping Station, the delegates spent the evening huddled around some bridge tables in Kew, determined to haul the club from great depths to more moderate depths. Not since Kennedy's EXCOMM gathered to ponder the Cuban missile crisis has there existed a collective of greater wisdom and foresight. There was outgoing president Rick Mitchell, brandishing the constitution as he quoted Gothe and warned of the club's impending doom. Ian 'Panda' Clark chaired the gathering, his attention to procedural detail unparalleled, though the same can't be said for his attention to punctuality. Alec Kahn hovered over his minute book, committing everything to memory so that he could later rewrite it with his own slant. Other luminaries of similar status joined the fray, armed with cheap Asian takeaway and paying - yes, A graders, paying! - a whopping $5 for beers. Little did these fools know it would be 1am before they'd be set at liberty. The meeting considered many important issues. The compelling question, who would replace Mitchell at the club's helm, was strongly answered by electoral-doctorer Ross Attrill, who stepped up to seize the reins Mugabe-style. Recognising how fired up the 'cheating hippie' was, noone dared stand against him. Clark retained the vice-presidency while the curmudgeonly Kahn made tentative suggestions that someone else fill his position - as he was writing "A. Kahn - Secretary" into the minutes book. Richard Lovett, who foolishly nodded like a drowsy man at a Toorak auction, received the job of treasurer without even being aware of it. The remaining two committee positions were filled by 'J.T.' Taylor and Toby Archer in the most democratic fashion imagineable: the drawing of names from a hat. Fewer committees have ever come to power with such an authoritative mandate. Down to business. Missing money was discussed ... what to do? Lovett's answer was simple: "Waterboarding". The other Richard quoted extensively from the constitution, which he undoubtedly keeps on his bedside table. Both were ignored and a resolution was finalised and passed. The club spent a grand total of $12 on equipment last year, being for "Helmet Nuts" (no, we didn't employ a German professional). Onto the perennial Reds scratching-post: the selection of captains. Some wanted elections, some wanted appointments. The status quo held and only one thing was concluded: while everyone in the Reds Cricket Club considers themselves a captain, most are actually shite. The meeting considered the fate of 'wild child' Tomek Holland and stopped short of taxidermy, in light of the remarkable if somewhat lonely voice of sanity Tomek brought to the meeting. The club also considered motions on drink sales, subs, team managers, chairman of selectors, the MCA heat policy, the legalisation of marijuana, swine flu, bird flu, horse flu, the closure of Swanston Street to traffic and the sale of uranium to China. The meeting finished just before 1am - yes, 1am! - and some mind-shagged Reds members spewed out onto Cotham Street, into the frigid late-May night. Much had been said but how much had been achieved? Only time will tell. Last word goes to Greg 'Postman' Powell, who overpowered his commissar and fled the AGM circa 10pm: "If only the Reds spent as much time on fielding practice as they did on bullshitting..." He may have a point.
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