2010 Game 1: North Shore

After a drama-packed flight to Auckland, mainly caused by leg-spinner Geoff Boyes  forgetting his passport and being forbidden to board, the Reds tour got under way in the genteel surrounds of North Shore, New Zealand’s oldest cricket club. The team arrived in a hyped up state, after being misinformed by three separate Aucklanders that  the 30-minute trip from Greenlane would take an hour and a half, resulting in the entire team having to kill time downing shots of triple espresso at a local cafe.

What the locals made of the Reds rabble invading their beautiful village green setting can only be surmised from the fact that they had no hesitation in batting, assuming correctly that their top scorer would be dropped on 0. After that mishap, the Reds bowlers rallied. The North Shore line-up consisted of one or two players from each XI from Premier Firsts down to Sixths, but there was little discernible difference between them, possibly the result of the batting order being drawn from a hat. For the Reds, Steve Booth was the pick of the bowlers with 3-17, well supported by Gill, Cooper and Boyes. Booth and Gill are seeking immediate clearances from Coles and Burnley now that they have found a club where the captain has the gumption to give them a bowl. Boyes bowled surprisingly well for a man who had eventually arrived at 2am via the Gold Coast, a tribute to the restorative power of the triple espresso.

Chasing a meagre 145 at less than 3 an over seemed easy until the score reached a heady 0-7, when a sudden spate of mishaps plunged the Reds into more familiar territory at 4-18. The middle order rallied somewhat, with Gill, Booth and Thomas all contributing double figures to prevent complete embarrassment at the hands of a  disciplined attack. At 8-72, humiliation was avoided and Uncle Geoff Boyes set off in pursuit of victory. Aided by tailenders Coops and Cletus, and that old Reds reliable Extras, the Ninja got the score within 27 and there was a sudden sense of panic amongst the Northshoremen . Then with 4 overs to go, a sudden rush of madness caused by lack of sleep and caffeine overdose set Uncle off on a single on a ball played straight to mid-on. Always the perfect guests, the Reds had handed their hosts a  victory that will live on long in the national  psyche after  the caning being handed to the Kiwi Test team is forgotten.

Prologue – Lovett and Whittock

Match Day 1 began with the group mooching around the tour bus, hands firmly thrust into the mono-pockets of their black “Reds NZ Tour” hoodies, like a bunch of rebellious teenagers.  All of the group that is, except Jamie Croft. 

Already well-known in Reds circles for his keenness, Crofty outdid himself by strolling out to the bus already dressed in his whites, even though he knew that he had been named twelfth man.  He cheerfully agreed to drive and piloted us to Devonport Domain with great vigour and aplomb, fearlessly changing lanes on the motorway despite this being his first time (a) driving a van and (b) towing a trailer, while still finding time to take his eyes off the road, turn around, and catch us all slightly off-guard with the rousing pre-match speech: “Alright boys, let’s hand them a F---ING BEATING!!!”

Even for Crofty, this level of keenness was unusual.  An investigation was launched to determine the cause.  Crofty eventually broke under the intense questioning and admitted that the reason for his unnatural level of keenness was none other than Nigel Peacock. Nige, the Reds’ official “Keenest Man In Cricket” had signed up to come on tour but unfortunately had to pull out.  Determined that at least some part of him should make the journey to New Zealand, he made the only logical decision – three nights before the tour, he knelt on the centre square of Herring oval (the Reds’ spiritual home), cut out his own heart with a stone knife, and begged Crofty to eat it. 

Crofty, being a food-devouring robot sent from the future, could not resist the offer of a snack and so wolfed down the still-beating heart. In so doing, he took on Nige’s keenness for cricket, and added it to his own.  Only time will tell whether Crofty is able to preserve some scrap of sanity, else turn into a gibbering lunatic under the strain of so much keenness.