Match 1 - Hornby

BLOOD SPILT AS REDS TOUR OFF TO SHAKY START

Wednesday April 1st

Blood, ducks and drinking games were the features of Reds’ first New Zealand match yesterday, the tourists comfortably defeated by seven wickets by home side Hornby. Arriving slightly late to the ground after bus driver Dion turned a 10-minute jaunt into a 30-minute crawl, the visitors were met with grey skies, light drizzle and a pitch with better foliage than a feminist’s armpit. As cricketers from drought-addled Melbourne the Reds are unaccustomed to the sight of long green grass anywhere – but especially not on the deck. Their fears were compounded after skipper Alec Kahn lost the toss and was invited to bat; this delighted the squad no end and for a time Alec’s life was in some peril.

The incompetent tosser Kahn then took Nick Whittock out to open on the aforementioned raging greentop, accompanied by snippets of gangster rap belting from Hornby’s PA system, and he scored the first runs on tour with a trademark tickle to fine leg. A couple of overs later he also became the first wicket, after a back-leg LBW shout was upheld. A promising partnership between Whittock, and new batsman Greg Powell took Reds to 41 before Powell also went leg-before. He was soon followed by Blair Hobbs, who almost sparked an international incident when he edged behind when on zero but failed to ‘walk’ – not that it mattered, as Hobbs edged straight to slip three balls later to register the first tour duck. Jeff Scotland came and went quickly before Whittock was joined by English young buck Harry Martin; their gritty 31-run partnership stopped when Martin was also LBW. Jason ‘JT’ Taylor’s sweep didn’t pay off and he also failed to trouble the scorers, the Reds slumping to 6/82.

As if the score wasn’t ugly enough, Nick Whittock was then felled by a brutish ball that flew off a good length and smacked him hard on the right cheek. After bleeding on a good length for a few minutes Whittock retired hurt, rushed to hospital by Hornby president Kevin, who was constantly bemoaning that Christchurch was “full of f---in’ Asians”. Fortunately Whittock was cleared of any structural damage, though he found it hard to drink his mango lassi later in the evening – however his departure left the Reds’ tail exposed and they didn’t last long, the final few wickets falling cheaply to leave the visitors all out for 99. That reliable chap S. Undries was top score with 32, followed by Whittock with 30 and Powell 14. It seemed an unimpressive score, however with the demons in the wicket and the locals unused to Alec’s pink Senator balls, the Reds were hopeful of a come-from-behind victory.

The signs were good initially with some tight opening overs, however the first wicket didn’t fall until 29 when Palin stepped up to atone for his golden duck. He slipped a good ball through Rooney’s defence and continued to trouble the other bats. The runs continued to flow from both ends, however, despite two more Palin wickets – one a quick-handed stumping from Kahn, standing up on a treacherous deck like the madman he is. Hornby’s bats achieved victory with seven wickets in hand and almost 30 overs to spare.

The after-match celebrations were many and varied. Reds’ duck-makers Hobbs, Palin and Taylor were invited to join three Hornby initiates in a sculling ceremony involving milk, red wine, rum, weetbix and raw eggs. They conducted themselves with aplomb, avoiding the dreaded violent chunder that usually follows this activity. Dion Newburn’s slovenly performance in the ‘stump race’ prompted hilarity and was captured on film for later generations, while Thommo had no luck whatsoever at the bowling crease but scooped the pool in the 12-man poker tournament, pocking $NZ75 (about $9.50 Australian). Some kick-to-kick and a fine Indian meal rounded things off for the squad as they returned to their palatial accommodations in preparation for Wednesday’s early start to Timaru.

Match: Reds XI vs. Hornby CC
Date: Tuesday March 31^st
Venue: Denton Park, Christchurch
Captains: C. Beecroft (Hornby) A. Kahn (Reds)
Toss: Hornby CC
Weather: Overcast and drizzling, clearing later, 14 degrees
Pitch: Green and damp
Player of the Match: Mayo (Hornby) Whittock (Reds)