Match 3 - Appleby

THE REDS GET THE DROPSIES AT QUEENS PARK

Sunday April 5

Dropped catches and an archetypal Reds batting collapse cost the touring squad a good chance at victory in its match against Appleby CC. Chasing 192 for victory on a flat batting deck, the Reds lost a steady progression of wickets throughout the day and were never really in the hunt. The batting slump came on top of a poor effort in the field, with seven catches going down – and with them a chance to dismiss the Appleby bats for a much lower score. The final margin was victory to Appleby by 76 runs.

The match was played on Queens Park Oval, Invercargill’s first-class venue, and the tourists spent the first hour pondering reasons how such dud cricketers came to be playing a game at such a magnificent venue. As if the flat batsman’s paradise, the sightscreens, the gorgeous surroundings and the bowling-green outfield weren’t enough, QPO had Test-quality change rooms, viewing rooms, a balcony – even an indoor training facility, which some Reds players took to with zeal. It was the stuff of cricket dreams and would probably prompt Kev from Hornby to shout “F***, how the f*** do you c**** get to play on a f****** ground like this?!”

New captain Alec Kahn returned from one match in exile and made some changes to the team that narrowly lost to Celtic on Thursday. Jarrod ‘Cletus’ Palin was brought back in, as was Nick Whittock after his facial reconstruction surgery with complimentary botox and rhinoplasty. Mark Lucas was nursing a painful nightclub injury but retained his place as a batsman, while newly-arrived tourists Tim Cherry and Rob Johnson also made their debut. Kahn lost the toss (as usual) and the Reds found themselves in the field. Kahn urged his players to “play to the standard of the ground” and for the first 15 overs the Appleby opening bats certainly did, racing to 0/84 with captain Williams especially fierce with his legside shots. The introduction of legspinner Geoff ‘Where’s my lung’ Boyes paid dividends, as Williams muffed a sweep shot and was out leg-before, the decision made by Reds’ tourist Harry Martin (cheers Harry).

Fortunately for the Reds, Appleby’s middle order was not of the same standard of its openers, and more wickets began to fall. Ex-captain Blair Hobbs trapped Eades LBW, then picked up Stumbles thanks to a brilliant diving catch at slip by Whittock, then Tim Cherry caught Goad off Steve Thompson. When Kahn stumped Finn off Hobbs, the locals had slumped to 5/148 and the Reds were feeling pretty chirpy. It all came crashing down to earth with a horrendous case of the ‘dropsies’. Thompson suffered the worst, having Hobbs, Johnson and Kahn all spill catches, the first two in the same over. Scotland had earlier wet the bed when a skier went into the sun; Kahn later missed a catch at the wicket off Hobbs. Seven catches in all were spilled, probably because – according to the Boyes theory – the Reds had reached 28 overs and were in uncharted territory. Despite this on-field fumbling the tourists managed to snare the last five wickets for 43 runs, Thompson (4/26) and Hobbs (3/37) the destroyers as they raced to become the team’s slowest bowler.

Despite a tour high score of just 99 the Reds were confident of victory. It was not to be as Whittock and then Kahn were both out, caught in the cordon playing angled-bat glides, then Cherry’s miserable debut continued when he was caught and bowled. Mark Lucas gave a hard-hitting cameo but went to the well once too often and was caught for 24, then Hobbs was bowled, leaving the visitors at 5/61. ‘Postie’ Powell contributed a promising knock of 40 but was caught trying to lift the run rate and the Reds were effectively screwed. The tail didn’t last long, the final tally closing at 115.

Proceedings then moved across town to the Appleby rooms, where our hosts again made us welcome and kept us well fed and watered with a superb barbecue. Thompson won Reds' player of the match and had to scull another bloody pint; Hobbs won and consumed a dozen Bluff oysters - and surprisingly didn't drop any in the process. An offshoot of the tour party - Hobbs, Scotland, Thompson, Palin, Lucas, Martin, Powell and Taylor - moseyed on into central Invercargill and partook of some of the nightlife. Today’s match is at the Appleby home ground on synthetic, as recent wet weather has made their turf unplayable. All eyes will be on the return of captain Hobbs and the umpiring of Alec Kahn, who was probably up at 6am dressed in his tie and tour blazer, practicing signals in front of the mirror.