Touring squad

Alec KAHN*† (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, wicket-keeper, left-arm slow Asians
2008-9 numbers: 371 runs at 28.5, 7 catches 5 stumpings
Fresh from his 80th season in the Mercantile where he has made 2.2 million runs in 82,370 innings, Alec is a tour co-captain. As one of the few legitimate batsman He'll be hoping to export his exciting brand of batting boredom to the South Island, while his safe hands behind the stumps will be important on the snot-covered sponge that masquerades for a wicket in NZ. Alec is also the man from whom to seek advice on mathematical computations, weather and Microsoft Excel. One of the driving forces and hardest-working organisers of the tour, Alec's frantic efforts and Kissingeresque negotiations have been crucial in securing us scrambled eggs for $10 a head instead of toast and jam at $9 - for this we commend him.

Richard LOVETT (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm unknowns, fielding dynamo
2008-9 numbers: 26 runs at 3.3, 4 catches
Joining the tour after his busy summer with the DSE, waging war against fire-ism and incurring the wrath of the CFA, Richard is the epitome of Reds cricket - except that he's a virtual whippet in the field with fast legs and safe hands, which is most unsporting. Sir David Attenborough would probably describe the natural habitat of the R.Lovettus as the arch from mid-on around to square leg, where it prowls and patrols looking for wounded - or, even better, drastically overweight - batsmen. Richard is also given to the occasional piquant observation, his middle name is Huw and his Facebook says that he is "interested in women".

Dion NEWBURN† (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm nondescript
2008-9 numbers: 118 runs at 7.4, 1 wicket at 51.0
Our 'man on the inside', Dion hails from Dunedin and will be a key source of information if we are to avoid international incidents. A regular top-order bat in the Reds' lower grades, Dion can be resolute but never absolute in defence; he is also a safe fielder and perennially overlooked bowler (or so he says). We can safely assume that Dion will be mercilessly sledged on tour - both by the opposition and his own touring squad - and wish him the bist of luck with thus ay. Achieved his first wicket for the Reds this season, dismissing a well-set chap in the 120s, caught off a rank full toss at mid-wicket by a German backpacker - true zietgeist.

Jason TAYLOR (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm Chris Harrises
2008-9 numbers: 136 runs at 8.5, 15 wickets at 13.3
An 'Einstein Factor' finallist and expert on 15th century Cornish history, 'JT's batting demonstrates no such intellectual rigour, as he utilises a cramped but Trumperite sweep shot to despatch bowlers with glee. His bowling is the archetypal enigma-wrapped-in-a-riddle: loopy floating leg-cutters delivered with an action that makes Paul Adams seem like Richard Hadlee. 'JT' has a swashbuckling 90-odd not out and a seven-wicket haul to his credit in the past two seasons, which makes him ridiculously overqualified for this touring squad. Also known for his pithy match reports, which refer to their author as often as pieces written by one P. Keating.

Steve THOMPSON*† (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm offspin, reserve wicket-keeper
2008-9 numbers: 243 runs at 24.3, 10 wickets at 21.1
A tragic figure in Reds history. Steve served a long apprenticeship as understudy spinner in the Firsts, then inexplicably demanded a man on the boundary against the MCA's most notorious axe-murderer. Citing artistic differences with the captain, Steve went into voluntary exile in the Thirds and graduated from understudy spinner to understudy wicket-keeper and understudy batsman. Regularly observed in Miss Havisham-like pose at the scorers table at Herring, pining for his long-lost long-on. A history teacher by trade, Steve will present in-depth background on all towns we visit, guaranteeing the team a good night's sleep before each game. 

Nick WHITTOCK (Reds CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm slow-medium
2008-9 numbers: 75 runs at 18.8
A man of letters and esoteric poetry, Nick is an important member of the squad because he opens the batting and therefore must first absorb whatever appears to hurl hard red projectiles at us. Firm and safe in defence (he once received the cruel sledge "it's Alec Junior"...) Nick nevertheless has a good array of shots, particularly slashing cuts and free-and-easy drives. A reluctant 'keeper but a safe slip fieldsman, Nick's Reds teammates know him for his intellectually challenging match reports, which read like Ezra Pound meets e.e. cumming meets Peter Roebuck.

* = denotes tour captain
† = denotes tour committee/selector

The Irregulars...

Geoff BOYES (Beaumaris CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm legspin
2008-9 numbers: 136 runs at 34.0, 12 wickets at 15.4
Uncle could be the deadly weapon we need with his legspin. Or not. Debuted with the Reds back in the 1980s as one of six wrist-spinners in our indoor side, the Eddie Gilbert Octet (badly misnamed in hindsight). Had outstanding success in cameo appearances with our MCA side, but strangely went from South Melbourne seconds to Beaumaris, a suburb where he's never lived, worked, or remotely fitted the demographic, to serve as club curator then president. Named after Uncle Arthur of the Comedy Company for his snappy dress sense, Uncle is also a First Division baseball umpire and his turn at umpiring on the tour is eagerly awaited. Expect him to go eyeball-to-eyeball with captains, give batsmen the fist and the chainsaw on dismissal, and eject players on the slightest provocation.

Jarrod PALIN (Reds CC & Koonung Heights CC)
Our ever-reliable Sunday fill-in over the years. But on Saturdays Jarrod prefers the egalitarianism and stress fractures of bowling on synthetic at Koonung Heights to thumping the toffy turf with Reds. Then again, he's also concreted his front lawn, replaced all of his pot plants with artificial flowers, and put cladding over his weather board house. The Plastic Man will spend most of the tour trying to pull the cotton fibres out of his poly-cotton playing shirt. 

Greg POWELL (Reds CC & Caulfield CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm offspin, fielding whippet
2008-9 numbers: 300 runs at 30.0, 5 wickets at 22.4
The team's fitness adviser, Postie has his work cut out with this lot. After a stunning debut season with the Reds, Postie headed back to the bigtime at Caulfield in order to become a small fish in a big pond. Got even smaller when, as a web designer, he was posted to Gibraltar mid-season to set up a website for a dodgy on-line gaming company. Postie is now making amends to society by working for Lonely Planet as it slashes staff, and trying to single-handedly resurrect Monash Baseball Club as its players leave en masse. Doomed career choices seem to be Postie's specialty, bringing him full circle back to the Reds.

The Ring-Ins...

Tim CHERRY (Sacred Heart CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm fast medium
2008-9 numbers: 154 runs at 12.8, 47 wickets at 17.2
Coming off a stellar A Grade season with Sacred Heart (40 wickets and counting), Tim's outswingers and underrated (except by him) batsmanship should make him a perfect replacement for Tomek. So should his high-voltage onfield persona. We look forward to the impact on the normally langourous Reds, who appreciate mania in all its forms.

Mark LUCAS (Hydroflow CC)
Left-hand bat, left-arm medium fast
2008-9 numbers: 421 runs at 42.1, 31 wickets at 12.5
When the Squid couldn't make it, we went hunting for another left-armer who could angle the ball out of the batsman's reach, and close his eyes and blaze away in the middle order. Hydro Flow seconds skipper Mark Lucas came highly recommended for the role by Rhids, despite being one, possibly two feet shorter than Squid and infinitely less disaster-prone. We're sure the Reds can fix at least one of those deficiencies. Sports perhaps the best 2008/9 stats in the touring side which suggests only one thing: he's 'bushranging' about two grades below his ability.

Jeff SCOTLAND (Power House CC)
Right-hand bat, right-arm medium
2008-9 numbers: 360 runs at 22.5, 20 wickets at 20.8 
We needed a Bevo to fire up the middle order, or alternatively start the MMOC, and Jeff was the obvious choice. The backbone of Power House in its early A Grade seasons, Jeff still had the magic with a hard-hitting A grade season in 07-08. Then made the classic mistake of dropping down to the Powders' Third XI to captain and play with his teenage son. Now permanently estranged from his family after accusations of under-bowling and a series of tragic run-outs, Jeff is hoping to get away from poisonous family feuds on the tour. Little does he know what he's stepped into.

And the Mystery Man...

Harry MARTIN (England)
Left-hand bat, left-arm f-quick
Every tour needs a mystery man, and Harry is ours. Signed up for the tour by his dad Pete the Pom Martin, a great fast bowler for the Reds in the early 1980s, Harry has paid his fare, sent us emails and even spoken to us on the phone. But noone has actually seen him. Does he exist, or is he just an elaborate practical joke of Pete the Pom's? The is considerable evidence for the latter in Pete's claim that "he is twice as fast as I ever was", which would put Harry at around the 250kph mark or about 90kph faster than any other bowler on the planet. Also in Harry's email claims that he (a) spent two hours driving around looking for Arden St without success and (b) is currently working on a bamboo farm in Cairns (an obvious clue that Panda is in on the prank).  There is an 18yo Harry Martin who occasionally opens the bowling for Brighton District in the CMCA, and one who topped the 2008 batting averages for Burghclere in the Hampshire League. International man of mystery or figment of Pete the Pom's fevered imagination? Only time will tell