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A random and irreverent collection of quotations and remarks heard on tour. More to come once I remember them and/or tour members remind me... "At least mine can speak English..." (Kev from Hornby to a fellow Kiwi taking an Asian tour group) "You should tell these c***s to go and get f***ed. F***ing greedy c***s, if you weren't here they'd have no business. F*** 'em" (Kev again, explaining why Alec shouldn't pay the additional $NZ30 for dropping the bus at the airport) "Never again do I want to wake up at 6am and see Alec Kahn standing near my bed dressed in whites" (Thompson reflects on his night visions) "Be careful, I don't want to have to take another c*** to the medical centre!" (Kev again, offering friendly encouragement during the Hornby 'stump run'. The 'c***' he had earlier taken to the medical centre, Nick, was standing next to him at the time) "Southern Districts? Bunch of weed-smoking c***s!" (You guessed it, Kev again) "I was going to have the venison but it was a little dear..." (Scotland and Cherry, repeating the lamest 'dad' joke imaginable at every opportunity) Blair: "Excuse me, which way is the glacier walk?"
Hot bushwalking girl: "Oh, you just take that track over there."
Blair: "Thanks. Do you give massages?"
(Blair Hobbs to a random backpacker during the ill-fated and controversial Mount Cook expedition) "Can you blokes read?" (Hobbs immediately after the presentation of a book to the Celtic CC, almost sparking an international incident) "That's the worst 'handle' I've ever seen" (Celtic CC committee member, after watching Dion's marathon pint-scull in Timaru) "Sluts!" (Dion Newburn, speaking highly of his countrywomen) Alec: "Can someone please navigate?"
Dion: "Yep I'll do it... where are we going?" "Sweeeeet" (Rich Lovett, about 400,000 times) "Oh F***!!" (Alec missing a gear change on the bus, much to the amusement of his fellow travellers) "Yeah, it's just like Australian chocolate/pies/cheese/milk/ice cream/beer/confectionary/lamb, only slightly better" (Dion's frequent and consistent comparisons between New Zealand and Australian produce) "Check these out. Phwooar! Look at that one, what a hottie" (Hobbs again, admiring a field of sheep) "Do you want the rest of this, Postie?" (The most oft-heard and affirmatively-responded dinner table question of the tour) ""Alec didn't really want to organise a cricket tour, he just wanted an excuse to make a spreadsheet." (Anonymous) "The bloke who got me out was coached by Deepak Patel" (Dion's constant mantra after the Timaru match, later immortalised on its own shirt) "Kevin Rudd from one end, Helen Clark from the other" (Thommo, in the middle of a Boyes-Scotland bowling partnership) "He's watching the batsman and not the line" (Alec Kahn, just before giving Nick Whittock a lecture on square-leg umpiring after Nick had turned down Alec's stumping appeal) "Bowlers shouldn't complain about dropped catches, they have some dropped and then some lucky ones that they should never have got in the first place." (A more philosophical Kahn the following match - right after dropping two catches and missing a stumping) "Read them again, JT" (Cherry asks for a repitition of the quiz questions)
Silence as JT reads questions.
"No, read them to us" (Cherry again) "Let's play to the standard of the ground" (Alec Kahn urges the Reds to take advantage of the first-class facilities at Queens Park Oval, right before they were smashed for 81 in the first fifteen overs) "Shabbash shabbash butter chicken" ('Cletus' Palin's Hindi on-field chat) "You know Dion, I woke up at five this morning and found myself thinking about the best way to stack the bread rolls in a pyramid" (Alec's poignant cry for help, to his roommate Dion) SLAPPP! (The sound of Blair Hobbs ushering two young Invercargill lasses from the Reds' bus) "Thut's drunks, gints" (Umpiring G. Powell calling a break at Southland Boys' High) "Whose camera is this Sony?" (Thommo)
"Mine... why?" (Hobbsy)
"Well, I just f***ed it" (Thommo, having lost the memory card in said camera) "You're in Bluff now, boys" (The rude waitress in Bluff who despite there being all of four people in the Anchorage, didn't want to take 14 person worth of restaurant takings. Country hospitality at its worst.) Blair: "In the morning he (Alec) is up at 7 and then you hear this loud stirring away in a coffeecup. He's dissolving his glucosamine, but you know he's really trying to wake you up..." Tim: "He's a real-life Nurse Ratched isn't he?" Alec (admiring the Newburn mantlepiece in Dunedin): "Is that your graduation photo Dion?"
Dion: "No, that's my sister" "He taps his bat four times. You ask him why he's only tapping it three." (Clive of the Admiral Inn, Oamaru, reveals how locals get out the swashbuckling Jamie Ferris (95 in 54 balls)) Nick: ""He was attacked by a glow worm in the caves at Te Anau. It grabbed his whole head in its mouth and pulled him out of the boat, and then swung him round and slammed his toe against the side of the cave" (Nick's inventive fabricated explanation for Rob Johnson's broken toe) The whole squad: "Six dollars!! What the f***!?" (group amazement at Rich paying $6 for a three-page brochure explaining the fascinating geological formation known as the Moeraki Boulders) "Well you told me to stay in with them!" (Dion explains his three runs in twelve overs to a bemused Alec at Burnside) "I took a taxi to Beckenham Park but there was noone there!" (Pete 'the Pom' Martin, after flying from the UK to watch his son Harry play in Christchurch but forgetting to check which ground we were at)
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